[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
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Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.