Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know