Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.