[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
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date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing