[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
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When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce