Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

see next tweet for some translations

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.