Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

Bless you

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

put ‘er there pardner!