Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

New mindset, who dis?

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

😂🍻

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie

Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…

Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.