Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.