Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

Friday night party time 🥳

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*