Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
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Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
hey, alexa
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Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears