Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
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Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes