heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
A great first step 😂
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
So inspired right now.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.