Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

so this horse walks into a bar

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.