heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
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[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On