Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

I love wikipedia

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?