heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Me trying to walk in a dream
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Safety first
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.