heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
You Might Also Like
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I’m dying louder than usual today.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans