Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
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Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem