Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

water it, i dare you

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

Lmaoo 😂

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time