Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

man: wait

time: no

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.