Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
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Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
He-man has a Masters degree
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*