Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
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ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that