Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
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The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant