Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking