Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
You Might Also Like
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Reporter: *ports again*
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”