Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.