Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
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My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Smile Twitter, Smile.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
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“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey