Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
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Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos