Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.