Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
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Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.