hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
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1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.