Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

I thought this was funny lol

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.