Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
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Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!