*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
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actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.