*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
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‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.