HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
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[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*