Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

THE AUDACITY. 😤

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim