[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
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I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
People buying plungers never look happy.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
never forget
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
This is a whole mood;
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill