[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
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Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance