[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
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Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him