Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

I’m never leaving this app.

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?