Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
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COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I ate everything, including the H.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
long lost
