Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

I love it all

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates