Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

ㅤ

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.