Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.