Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
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I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Everything reminds me of my ex
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.