Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
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when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Knock Knock
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I bet
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
moms in horror movies