Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
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So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
Never ghost your hitman.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.