Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*