He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
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In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”