Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
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JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
LOL
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either