Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
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Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
choose your fighter
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that