Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

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If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down