Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
You Might Also Like
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
A game married people play.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?