Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
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Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.