Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
You Might Also Like
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
