Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
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[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
an airline just for babies.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
my proudest tweet
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.