Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
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My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF