Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.