Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
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Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
This line from Airplane.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.