Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

Name this drama.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
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2015: Taco Emoji!

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

Who knew!

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.