Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
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That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
good work, detective
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
