Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
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6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.