Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
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I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.