Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
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It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.