Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

I’ve had relationships like this

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.