Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
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Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.