Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
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I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Geez man, take it easy.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
This is a genius move
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!