Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
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Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
is this a warning or an offer?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
my favorite genre of twitter
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Dudes named Chance never had one.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.