Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.