Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

boat question

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.