Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

Finally

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.