Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
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her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
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I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
figuring out my emotional availability:
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges