Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
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I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
